(This is a blog that I wrote back in 2008, but it received zero publicity - and that's unacceptable.)
Face it, not everybody can be perfect parents. Not all of us want to be perfect parents. Take me, for example; I don't want kids now. I have too much I need to do before I make that leap, but one day I'd like to. Now, I've heard people say things like, "I'm going to be the best dad ever. I'm going to teach my kid to be awesome." - but I, on the other hand, have a different perspective on the matter. I want me kids to be unique. I want my kids to operate on a different level. I want them to be ready for anything. So here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to tell my kids that monsters are real.
Can you imagine what kind of an impact that's going to have on my children? Think about it. I'm tucking my six year old boy in for the night. "Dad?", he asks, "There's a monster in my closet. I can hear him breathing, and I can see him peeking through the crack when it's dark. Can you get rid of him for me?". I stop for a moment to show a warm smile; then I respond, "No, son. That monster is clearly your problem, and if I open that door, he's going to become my problem; and that just doesn't seem like a reasonable thing to ask of your father." There's a short pause. "But what if he gets me?", he inquires. "Well son," I continue, "If I confront the monster, he's more than likely going to separate my torso from the rest of me. Then he's going to beat my upper half against the closet walls until I either bleed to death or endure substantial trauma to the head. What makes you think I'm willing to make a sacrifice like that, when the monster has obviously chosen you as a target, and not I?". My son begins to cry. I make my way to the door, and suddenly I stop. I realize that a mistake has been made.
"By the way.", I mumble as I walk over to unplug his night-light, "This months electricity bill was through the roof. Good night, son!"
