He's climbin' in your drive-throughs.

Throughout time, we've become familiar with a countless number of villains; stemming from movies, comic books, video games, and even TV commercials. Some of them are more widely recognized than others, like the Emperor Palpatine is to Gargamel (oh shit, he said Gargamel!). This really upsets me, and I think it's about time I turned the spotlight onto pop-cultures most underrated villain. I'm talking about, of course, the fucking Hamburglar.



This son of a bitch is a menace to society. He's the scourge of the fast food industry. Do you have any idea how many families have gone hungry after losing their meals to him? Sure, they still have the french fries, but every one knows those just don't cut it. McDonalds puts so much fucking salt on them, you end up driving yourself into a financial hole just to pay for the drinks. You wouldn't even need a drink if you had a juicy hamburger to bite into. It's tragic.

Just in case you're not buying this, allow me to ask you something. Have you ever noticed that McDonalds seems to be the only establishment that actually uses the first drive-through window? It's not because they're busy. Everyone knows that Burger King is ten times better; not to mention they don't coat their burgers with ass. No, it's because the other restaurants use their first window as a sentry tower. It's there so they can watch out for the Hamburglar. They actually pay a guy to do this too. Since the invention of the fast food sentry tower, successful window to car transactions have gone up 46%. Now that employees can see the Hamburglar coming, bags of food aren't being snatched up quite as easily.

Now, to really understand how the Hamburglar has gotten away with so many thefts, we must take his uniform into consideration. It's made up of three key elements, the first being stealth. He's chosen the classic black and white horizontal stripes, which provide camouflage both during the day (white), and during the night as well (black). The eye mask keeps his identity a secret. The second element is deception. He wears red gloves not only to eliminate fingerprints, but because ketchup stains would stand out against other colors, potentially ruining his chameleon-like guile. His third, and most rewarding element, is capacity. The Hamburglar's pockets seemingly have no end. He can steal as many hamburgers as he wants, and he'll never have to make a second trip. His pockets are just too deep. Together, the combination of these elements have allowed the Hamburglar to pull off some incredible heists.

Now, it's rumored that the Hamburglar has been caught and incarcerated in the past, but there is no evidence to support these claims. It's nothing short of propaganda that's been put out there by Mayor McCheese himself. The closest McCheese and his crooked constables have come to making an actual arrest was back in the summer of '87, when the Hamburglar led officials on a six day manhunt. They had finally cornered him outside of a franchise dispensary, when he suddenly disappeared through a manhole and wasn't seen again for nearly a decade; probably surviving off of his gargantuan horde of stolen hamburgers. Any burger thieving perpetrators that have been perused since then were nothing but impostors. Here's a few of them to watch out for.





Unfortunately, as much as we know about the legitimate Hamburglar, there is far more still left to uncover. The Hamburglar is a notorious cultural icon, a hero to the easily amused, and a living nightmare to empty stomached. But however you see the Hamburglar, there's one opinion that I think we all can share. He is damn good.